Moby Duck

For a while I wrote scripts and plays for radio.
Mainly for the programme "Disaster Area" at Radio Brockley, a hospital radio station in North London.
Most of them were about "Captain Plastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy" and "Buckett and Spade"...it was a long time ago and I last wrote one a couple of years ago for a reunion show
Below is one of the plays I wrote for radio that got lost...maybe for a good reason!!

MOBY DUCK

Characters:

Ishmail: The hero of the play, speaks normally

The Camp man: Talks camply

Harbour man/ Captain Ahem: Speaks with an over the top pirate voice

Wiggywiggy: African sounding fellow

Ish: Call me Isiah

Camp man: ‘Ere, isn’t your name supposed to be Ishmail?

Ish: Shh…it’s all part of the gag

Camp: Well it’s not much of a gag to me

Ish: Shh! Ahem….....as I was saying, call me Isiah. Well my real name is Ishmail but people call me Isiah because one eye is ‘igher than the other…

Camp: Told you that you wouldn’t get many laughs out of that

Ish: Oh shush. It’s a well known fact that when a sailor stays on land for a certain amount of time that he has needs….....you could say an urge…

Camp: Ooooh do go on….

Ish: I would if you’d keep quiet. Sorry About him. He doesn’t get out much. As I was saying, a sailor has urges…

Camp: Oooh!!

Ish: …to get back to sea.

Camp: (Disappointed) Oh!

Ish: I was on board a vessel last Tuesday for the first time in years which gave me the urge to go back to sea.

Camp: You told me that you were at the local boating lake last Tuesday?

Ish: Shhh. I went to the local harbour where I asked if there were any sailing jobs going.

Harbour man: Arr!

Ish: I took that as a yes!

Harbour man: Ye go down to the harbour….....thar be boats there that go on the sea

Ish: Well that’s obvious

Harbour man: Take the boat with the black sail and ask for Captain Ahem.

Ish: Ahem?

Harbour man: What?

Ish: You said Ahem…....not Ahab?
Harbour man: No, that’s his cousin, this captain’s name is Ahem.

Ish: So I walked on board and went to see the Captain.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS, A BELL RINGING, SEAGULLS

Ish: There was no one aboard, the deck seemed eerie, suddenly, out of nowhere there was the sound of a foot....…just the one.

Ish: Excuse me, are you Captain Ahem?

Ahem: Arr, that be roight me laddio. How could ye tell?

Ish: Well I was going to say because you only have one leg but mainly because your hat says Captain on it.

Ahem: Arr, ye’re a broight spark, we’ll soon get that whipped out o’ ye. Well don’t just stand there, come aboard and meet our other crew mate.

Ish: The other crew member was a giant of a man. His name was Wiggywiggy. He was half Zulu and half Eskimo. He told me that his parents met on a deaf/blind date. She was deaf and he was blind. Wiggywiggy was the result of their union, well there wasn’t a lot else they could do together.

We set sail for the open sea, the weather was calm as we set off. It wasn’t until we could no longer see land that the Captain got us together to tell us of our mission.

SFX: HAMMER BANGING

Ahem: You will see that oi have hammered a gold coin onto the mast. That there moi beauties, is the reward for the person who manages to get the first sighting of the dreaded beast of the seven seas….....the dreaded Moby Duck.

Wiggywiggy: Surely you mean Dick?

Ish: My sentiments entirely!

Ahem: No, it’s Moby Duck….....the biggest duck ever seen boi a man…....and it’s a monster…....whoi it’s beak alone can crush a man and it’s quack can make grown men fill their trousers…. Oi speak of that from personal experience.

Ish: Yes, I wondered what the smell was.

Wiggywiggy: Was it de Moby Duck dat took your leg captain?

Ahem: Arr! It was that me laddio, Oi was but a young lad meself when oi first encountered Moby Duck. Oi was young and foolish and oi wanted to prove moiself to moi captain of the toime, Captain Greenbeard….’E used to get seasick a lot ‘e did…....silly old sod ‘e was. Anyway, the duck got too close to our ship and loike a mad fool oi was at the toime, oi jumped onto his back. We fought and thrashed about, oi stuck about 5 harpoons into him but it made no difference, ‘e flicked me off with one of his huge wings and took a chunk out of me leg with his sharp beak before oi landed back on board and on top of Captain Greenbeard. Oi lost me leg and Greenbeard lost his loife, Oi vowed from that day on that one day oi would get moi revenge on Moby Duck.

Ish: What happened after that?

Ahem: Well…....oi thought oi’d go into comedy, being a stand up comedian, but oi kept falling over. Maybe oi should have got me leg sorted out first?

Ish: That night we tossed and turned

Camp: Ooooh I say!!

Ish: No nothing like that! We were worried about finding Moby Duck…......well at least I was worried, Wiggywiggy just kept poking me with his harpoon

Camp: Ooohhh!!! Is that what you sailors call it now?

Ish: No!! He said that he was practising for when he came across the giant duck. The morning came, it was a hot day

Wiggywiggy: Cor! It be a hot day today innit

Ish: Suddenly, out of nowhere came a bloodcurdling quack

SFX: QUACK OF A DUCK

Ish: Wiggywiggy rushed up to the top of the mast…....it was then that he yelled those fateful words…

Wiggywiggy: Dar she blows!

SFX: QUACK

Wiggywiggy: Captain, captain….....I see de duck

Ahem: Arrr…....then I congratulate you on your powers of de-duck-tion. Help yourself to the gold coin.

Wiggywiggy: Well I would but de coin has melted

Ahem: Arrr…....it’s the hot weather and the sun that does that to ‘em y’see

Ish: Bleedin’ tightwad, getting us out here in the middle of nowhere only to be attacked by a twenty foot high duck and all for a chocolate coin

Ahem: Tell me lad, how do ye know that he’s twenty foot hoigh and attacking us?

Ish: Coz he’s right behind you!!

SFX: LOUD QUACK

Ahem: Arrr and Arrrrghgghh!! Quick get yer harpoons out and throw them duckwards

SFX: THREE SHORT QUACKS

Ahem: Aharr! He’s going away lads

Wiggywiggy: Look to me dat he diving captain

Ahem: Ducks don’t doive me lad

Ish: They do if they’re going to fire from the rearside….LOOK OUT!!

SFX: QUACK, CANNON SHOTS AND FARTING NOISES

Ahem: we’re hit, we’re hit……......we’re going down…..oh bugger…......oi’ve lost an arm now as well…....any women and children on board?

Ish: No, only the three of us

Ahem: In that case…....oi’m outta here….....see ya, don’t wanna be ya!

SFX: SPLASH

Ish: We watched helplessly as the captain tried to swim for it….....well I suppose we could have thrown him a rubber ring or something, but it wouldn’t have helped as he swam around in a circle. The ship hadn’t been hit, only the poor deranged captain was injured by losing his arm. Wiggywiggy and I could see Moby Duck cruising full steam ahead for him. The duck was full of harpoons and fatally injured as he quacked his last quack and took Captain Ahem down with him to his eternal resting place.

SFX: A DYING QUACK AND WATER GURGLING

Ahem: Arrrr (Glubbing with water)

Ish: Wiggywiggy and I made our way home to tell our sorry tale about the captain and Moby Duck. Funnily enough, no one believed us, but it was after this story was told that harpooning ducks was outlawed forever.

The End

Toilet troubles

I have had the embarrassment to be involved in three toilet incidents....no not like that!!

The first time was when I was on a blind date. I had arranged to meet this girl at a train station close to where she lived....…see? I can be a gentleman!

Anyway, I got there early and was waiting around, getting more nervous as the time dragged when I felt an unwelcome rumble in my tum…....I had to get to a loo and quick.

It was only a little station, one that a train goes past every twenty minutes or so but actually stops at once a fortnight.

……I had a sinking feeling that there wouldn’t be a toilet around…....then I saw it, I cheered for the sight I saw and went there as fast as my little legs would take me.

I sat down and did my business....…I’m sure you don’t want me to go into details, so I won’t.

With a huge relief I finished and went to grab the paper…....to my horror there was none.

No…....there had to be some somewhere, I looked (while still in a sitting position) all around, even on the floor.

Bloody heck…....what to do?!!

I had 10 minutes before this girl was going to turn up, for all I know she could be early and outside waiting for me, wondering where I was or if I was going to turn up.

Desperately I searched in my pockets....……an extra strong mint wrapper…....hmmm....…tempting but not absolvent enough…..I checked the other pocket, a hankie…....gawd knows how long it had been in there. But needs must etc etc…...

I ripped the hankie to pieces.....……in normal circumstances I wouldn’t have been able to do such a thing, but I guess it must have been like one of those times when someone is stuck under a two ton car that you manage to find the strength deep down to lift it……....in a kind of way.

I managed to finish using the hankie (said in the nicest possible way) and rushed back to the front of the station to meet the young lady with minutes to spare.....……turned out that she never turned up anyway.....…I waited over an hour and she never appeared.

Another time I was in an Italian restaurant, the call of nature was strong again and I popped to the loo to make more room for my meal (sorry).

As I sat down I heard someone say,

"There is no toilet paper", and then it was repeated in Italian

I looked around and thought that maybe the toilets were highly modernised and they scanned the seat so that if any buttock hovered near it, and no paper was around that it would warn you that there was no paper, for which I would have been eternally grateful for a few years earlier.

However, it was just a recording of Anglo-Italian phrases that the restaurant played instead of music in the bogs.

Bloody stupid idea!!

The last occasion such a thing happened to me was when I was on holiday.

I went out for a walk around the local area….....like you do when on hols.

Once again I had that funny familiar feeling and knew that I would have to find somewhere reasonably quickly.

I popped into a museum and thought I’d use their premises.

Time was getting on but when you gotta go, you gotta go. 

It was about five in the afternoon. I went to the toilet and just got myself comfortably sat when suddenly, the lights went out.

I was in complete darkness, I went to move and shuffle towards the door with my trousers around my ankles but I couldn’t open the door.

It had jammed on me.

I had visions of me stuck in this cubicle all night…..not only that, but it was a Friday.

Was it going to open on Saturday?

Was I going to be stuck in a smelly toilet cubicle all weekend?

Would anyone even miss me?

And most important of all…..how embarrassed am I going to be when the caretaker opens up on Monday morning to find me feebly banging on the door after two days with no food...…..and the only water there would be was the stuff in the toilet itself.

All these thoughts were running through my mind as I yelled out....…not hysterically I hasten to add but in a very manly way….

Next thing I know the lights came on and I could see the lock on the door to undo it.

It seemed that the lights automatically went out if the room has no movement in it after a certain amount of time.

It’s a way of saving electricity apparently.

By that time though what I had wanted to do had gone right back up!

A simple test

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?




The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.


This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.








2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?




Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer




Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.








3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All of the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.




This tests your memory.






Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.






4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?


Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.






Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.