Toilet troubles

I have had the embarrassment to be involved in three toilet incidents....no not like that!!

The first time was when I was on a blind date. I had arranged to meet this girl at a train station close to where she lived....…see? I can be a gentleman!

Anyway, I got there early and was waiting around, getting more nervous as the time dragged when I felt an unwelcome rumble in my tum…....I had to get to a loo and quick.

It was only a little station, one that a train goes past every twenty minutes or so but actually stops at once a fortnight.

……I had a sinking feeling that there wouldn’t be a toilet around…....then I saw it, I cheered for the sight I saw and went there as fast as my little legs would take me.

I sat down and did my business....…I’m sure you don’t want me to go into details, so I won’t.

With a huge relief I finished and went to grab the paper…....to my horror there was none.

No…....there had to be some somewhere, I looked (while still in a sitting position) all around, even on the floor.

Bloody heck…....what to do?!!

I had 10 minutes before this girl was going to turn up, for all I know she could be early and outside waiting for me, wondering where I was or if I was going to turn up.

Desperately I searched in my pockets....……an extra strong mint wrapper…....hmmm....…tempting but not absolvent enough…..I checked the other pocket, a hankie…....gawd knows how long it had been in there. But needs must etc etc…...

I ripped the hankie to pieces.....……in normal circumstances I wouldn’t have been able to do such a thing, but I guess it must have been like one of those times when someone is stuck under a two ton car that you manage to find the strength deep down to lift it……....in a kind of way.

I managed to finish using the hankie (said in the nicest possible way) and rushed back to the front of the station to meet the young lady with minutes to spare.....……turned out that she never turned up anyway.....…I waited over an hour and she never appeared.

Another time I was in an Italian restaurant, the call of nature was strong again and I popped to the loo to make more room for my meal (sorry).

As I sat down I heard someone say,

"There is no toilet paper", and then it was repeated in Italian

I looked around and thought that maybe the toilets were highly modernised and they scanned the seat so that if any buttock hovered near it, and no paper was around that it would warn you that there was no paper, for which I would have been eternally grateful for a few years earlier.

However, it was just a recording of Anglo-Italian phrases that the restaurant played instead of music in the bogs.

Bloody stupid idea!!

The last occasion such a thing happened to me was when I was on holiday.

I went out for a walk around the local area….....like you do when on hols.

Once again I had that funny familiar feeling and knew that I would have to find somewhere reasonably quickly.

I popped into a museum and thought I’d use their premises.

Time was getting on but when you gotta go, you gotta go. 

It was about five in the afternoon. I went to the toilet and just got myself comfortably sat when suddenly, the lights went out.

I was in complete darkness, I went to move and shuffle towards the door with my trousers around my ankles but I couldn’t open the door.

It had jammed on me.

I had visions of me stuck in this cubicle all night…..not only that, but it was a Friday.

Was it going to open on Saturday?

Was I going to be stuck in a smelly toilet cubicle all weekend?

Would anyone even miss me?

And most important of all…..how embarrassed am I going to be when the caretaker opens up on Monday morning to find me feebly banging on the door after two days with no food...…..and the only water there would be was the stuff in the toilet itself.

All these thoughts were running through my mind as I yelled out....…not hysterically I hasten to add but in a very manly way….

Next thing I know the lights came on and I could see the lock on the door to undo it.

It seemed that the lights automatically went out if the room has no movement in it after a certain amount of time.

It’s a way of saving electricity apparently.

By that time though what I had wanted to do had gone right back up!