Tunisian massage

I went to Tunisia one year, and I must admit that I will never go there again, it was ok in its own way, but too many locals were out to con you, it got on my nerves by the end of my time there.

I noticed however that the hotel I was staying in had its own spa and had a massage service...…no, nothing dodgy.

But I thought to myself that it would be a good way to unwind a bit and get the stress of the locals out of my hair for a bit…and of course, if the masseur happened to be of the female sort then that wouldn’t go down too badly either.

So I paid at the reception and was directed where to go.

I went into where the changing rooms were and removed my clothes but left my trunks on for modesties sake.

After a couple of minutes I saw the masseur…....a great big bald tubby fella.

He looked like a light bulb, thin at top and bulged out round the middle and bottom.

Well at least he wasn’t going to ask me to go for a run with him so that was one good thing.

He looked at me, I said Hello and he just continued to look at me.

He then motioned for me to remove my trunks....…I didn’t expect that.

When I hesitated he flung a towel at me and possibly swore in Arabic.

I then hastened to do as told….....at least if he was going to try and roger me I could do a runner with no chance of him catching me up.

He then pointed to the pool area.

Now this wasn’t your normal kind of swimming pool, more a contraption of Dali-esque walls in water between.

You go in one end and then have to dive (well, I held my nose and closed my eyes as I went under) under a wall and come up in the next compartment.

I did this a couple of times and thought I was doing well and that this was a doddle when he dragged me out and pushed me into the sauna, poured water on loads of coals to make the room hot and steamy and not only shut the door but locked me in.

By the time he opened the door and dragged me out I was sweating like a good ‘un.

He then got me on my knees, facing his loincloth (I’m not kidding but boy was I thankful he was wearing one), then he walked behind me…....I thought "hello" and then he proceeded to chuck a bucket full of ice cold water, complete with actual ice over my head.

No warning whatsoever, I’d gone from hard of breathing through steam inhalation to my nerves everywhere in my body being shattered by iced water. I gasped for breath…..for the first time that day I saw the fat bastard smile

Once I had barely got my breath back he pushed back to the water contraption and got me to go in there and again go under from one part to the other.

I must have been a little slow for his liking at first because he pushed me under before I had taken a deep enough breath, he dragged me out by my hair on the other side once he saw a few bubbles of my life appearing in the water.

Then it was time for another sauna…. but this time I was ready for him, I knew what to expect.

The same thing happened so when I came out this time I knew to expect the bucket of water…..I wasn’t wrong.

"Hah! If that’s all you have fatso then I’m ready for you", I muttered while shivering under my breath.

It was then that he smiled another evil grin…....it was a very disturbing type of grin….

He grunted to me to lay face down....…bum cheeks in the air but very tightly clenched by yours truly I can tell you.

He took hold of my foot and then proceeded to bend it towards my head…....I was determined not to cry out in pain but I was silently begging for him to stop, then there was a deafening crack….

Had the fat shit had broken my leg?

But how come there was no pain?

He then decided that it was a good idea to do the same with the next leg and he didn’t stop until that cracked as well.

I saw a pattern forming here.

He then bent down and looked at my face with his yellowed teeth showing.

He was clearly having fun with me, I just wished I was enjoying it as much.

I smiled back…..I never knew I had the typical British stiff upper lip until then…....there were tears in my eyes but I blinked them back and smiled at the sadistic sod coz I certainly wasn’t going to give fatty the satisfaction of seeing me in tears.

He then got hold of each arm and did the same kind of thing to them too. I was praying they would crack quickly so he would stop before too long, they didn’t, well they bloody well wouldn’t would they?

Next stop, the neck, with his right hand on top of my sweaty head (Was it sweat from the sauna/ ice water torture or the fact that it felt that he was trying to kill me?) and his left hand under my chin (Could have been the other way round of course I wasn’t in much of a position physically or mentally - to notice) and with a swift pull with one hand and push with the other it felt like my head was going around like in "The Exorcist"…..it gave an almighty and rather unhealthy sounding crack one way and then before I had time to take a sharp intake of breath he did it the other way as well.

Then back to the water dipping for a bit and the final sauna/ ice treatment before his finale….

Once again he told me to lay flat on the floor…

What the hell else could he do to me? I wondered.

When I felt the pressure on my back I realised….the fat git was going to walk on me!!

With all his weight he put his feet either side of my spine and gave me a chinese burn down each side from just below the shoulders to where the kidneys are.

By now I was seriously hoping that the end was nigh......…not the end of my life of course…....just the end of this session…......who’s bleeding bright idea was it to go for a massage?

Oh!

When he had finished doing that he told me, either in French or Arabic....…I was past caring by that time to notice, to go and have another dip.

As I went into the water he walked away. I stayed in there for about five minutes before he came back.

He motioned for me to get out, gave me a towel to dry myself and shook my hand.

It was over!

Did he shake my hand just as a gesture of goodbye or was it to say that he respected me as a brave soul for enduring the ordeal?!!

And I must admit, I went out of there feeling great, I’d never felt so supple….

Would I do it again though?

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