Mainly for the programme "Disaster Area" at Radio Brockley, a hospital radio station in North London.
Most of them were about "Captain Plastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy" and "Buckett and Spade"...it was a long time ago and I last wrote one a couple of years ago for a reunion show
Below is one of the plays I wrote for radio that got lost...maybe for a good reason!!
MOBY DUCK
Characters:
Ishmail: The hero of the play, speaks normally
The Camp man: Talks camply
Harbour man/ Captain Ahem: Speaks with an over the top pirate voice
Wiggywiggy: African sounding fellow
Ish: Call me Isiah
Camp man: ‘Ere, isn’t your name supposed to be Ishmail?
Ish: Shh…it’s all part of the gag
Camp: Well it’s not much of a gag to me
Ish: Shh! Ahem….....as I was saying, call me Isiah. Well my real name is Ishmail but people call me Isiah because one eye is ‘igher than the other…
Camp: Told you that you wouldn’t get many laughs out of that
Ish: Oh shush. It’s a well known fact that when a sailor stays on land for a certain amount of time that he has needs….....you could say an urge…
Camp: Ooooh do go on….
Ish: I would if you’d keep quiet. Sorry About him. He doesn’t get out much. As I was saying, a sailor has urges…
Camp: Oooh!!
Ish: …to get back to sea.
Camp: (Disappointed) Oh!
Ish: I was on board a vessel last Tuesday for the first time in years which gave me the urge to go back to sea.
Camp: You told me that you were at the local boating lake last Tuesday?
Ish: Shhh. I went to the local harbour where I asked if there were any sailing jobs going.
Harbour man: Arr!
Ish: I took that as a yes!
Harbour man: Ye go down to the harbour….....thar be boats there that go on the sea
Ish: Well that’s obvious
Harbour man: Take the boat with the black sail and ask for Captain Ahem.
Ish: Ahem?
Harbour man: What?
Ish: You said Ahem…....not Ahab?
Harbour man: No, that’s his cousin, this captain’s name is Ahem.
Harbour man: No, that’s his cousin, this captain’s name is Ahem.
Ish: So I walked on board and went to see the Captain.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS, A BELL RINGING, SEAGULLS
Ish: There was no one aboard, the deck seemed eerie, suddenly, out of nowhere there was the sound of a foot....…just the one.
Ish: Excuse me, are you Captain Ahem?
Ahem: Arr, that be roight me laddio. How could ye tell?
Ish: Well I was going to say because you only have one leg but mainly because your hat says Captain on it.
Ahem: Arr, ye’re a broight spark, we’ll soon get that whipped out o’ ye. Well don’t just stand there, come aboard and meet our other crew mate.
Ish: The other crew member was a giant of a man. His name was Wiggywiggy. He was half Zulu and half Eskimo. He told me that his parents met on a deaf/blind date. She was deaf and he was blind. Wiggywiggy was the result of their union, well there wasn’t a lot else they could do together.
We set sail for the open sea, the weather was calm as we set off. It wasn’t until we could no longer see land that the Captain got us together to tell us of our mission.
SFX: HAMMER BANGING
Ahem: You will see that oi have hammered a gold coin onto the mast. That there moi beauties, is the reward for the person who manages to get the first sighting of the dreaded beast of the seven seas….....the dreaded Moby Duck.
Wiggywiggy: Surely you mean Dick?
Ish: My sentiments entirely!
Ahem: No, it’s Moby Duck….....the biggest duck ever seen boi a man…....and it’s a monster…....whoi it’s beak alone can crush a man and it’s quack can make grown men fill their trousers…. Oi speak of that from personal experience.
Ish: Yes, I wondered what the smell was.
Wiggywiggy: Was it de Moby Duck dat took your leg captain?
Ahem: Arr! It was that me laddio, Oi was but a young lad meself when oi first encountered Moby Duck. Oi was young and foolish and oi wanted to prove moiself to moi captain of the toime, Captain Greenbeard….’E used to get seasick a lot ‘e did…....silly old sod ‘e was. Anyway, the duck got too close to our ship and loike a mad fool oi was at the toime, oi jumped onto his back. We fought and thrashed about, oi stuck about 5 harpoons into him but it made no difference, ‘e flicked me off with one of his huge wings and took a chunk out of me leg with his sharp beak before oi landed back on board and on top of Captain Greenbeard. Oi lost me leg and Greenbeard lost his loife, Oi vowed from that day on that one day oi would get moi revenge on Moby Duck.
Ish: What happened after that?
Ahem: Well…....oi thought oi’d go into comedy, being a stand up comedian, but oi kept falling over. Maybe oi should have got me leg sorted out first?
Ish: That night we tossed and turned
Camp: Ooooh I say!!
Ish: No nothing like that! We were worried about finding Moby Duck…......well at least I was worried, Wiggywiggy just kept poking me with his harpoon
Camp: Ooohhh!!! Is that what you sailors call it now?
Ish: No!! He said that he was practising for when he came across the giant duck. The morning came, it was a hot day
Wiggywiggy: Cor! It be a hot day today innit
Ish: Suddenly, out of nowhere came a bloodcurdling quack
SFX: QUACK OF A DUCK
Ish: Wiggywiggy rushed up to the top of the mast…....it was then that he yelled those fateful words…
Wiggywiggy: Dar she blows!
SFX: QUACK
Wiggywiggy: Captain, captain….....I see de duck
Ahem: Arrr…....then I congratulate you on your powers of de-duck-tion. Help yourself to the gold coin.
Wiggywiggy: Well I would but de coin has melted
Ahem: Arrr…....it’s the hot weather and the sun that does that to ‘em y’see
Ish: Bleedin’ tightwad, getting us out here in the middle of nowhere only to be attacked by a twenty foot high duck and all for a chocolate coin
Ahem: Tell me lad, how do ye know that he’s twenty foot hoigh and attacking us?
Ish: Coz he’s right behind you!!
SFX: LOUD QUACK
Ahem: Arrr and Arrrrghgghh!! Quick get yer harpoons out and throw them duckwards
SFX: THREE SHORT QUACKS
Ahem: Aharr! He’s going away lads
Wiggywiggy: Look to me dat he diving captain
Ahem: Ducks don’t doive me lad
Ish: They do if they’re going to fire from the rearside….LOOK OUT!!
SFX: QUACK, CANNON SHOTS AND FARTING NOISES
Ahem: we’re hit, we’re hit……......we’re going down…..oh bugger…......oi’ve lost an arm now as well…....any women and children on board?
Ish: No, only the three of us
Ahem: In that case…....oi’m outta here….....see ya, don’t wanna be ya!
SFX: SPLASH
Ish: We watched helplessly as the captain tried to swim for it….....well I suppose we could have thrown him a rubber ring or something, but it wouldn’t have helped as he swam around in a circle. The ship hadn’t been hit, only the poor deranged captain was injured by losing his arm. Wiggywiggy and I could see Moby Duck cruising full steam ahead for him. The duck was full of harpoons and fatally injured as he quacked his last quack and took Captain Ahem down with him to his eternal resting place.
SFX: A DYING QUACK AND WATER GURGLING
Ahem: Arrrr (Glubbing with water)
Ish: Wiggywiggy and I made our way home to tell our sorry tale about the captain and Moby Duck. Funnily enough, no one believed us, but it was after this story was told that harpooning ducks was outlawed forever.
The End
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